One year ago today, I remember your death. And before that, I remember the last night the nurses came in to the room to change your gown. I saw your naked body; yellow and swollen. You lay cramped and stiff. I wiped the mucus foaming in your nose and heard the gargles in each breath. Your final stage of life reflected the years of damage and neglect. How you drank and drank and drank to come to such a point. How you gave up, how you must have felt so alone, how you questioned God’s existence. I will not judge your decisions or pretend to know what it was like to be you. I will not be ashamed that you were my mother. You purposely slipped away in the early morning hours while I was resting my eyes. And I awoke to the peace in the room, your body still, warm. I remember how your left arm and hand felt and how your face was smiling. It was just me and you in the room along with the grey light humming thru the hospital window. I was with you in the end, did you see me watching you?
I’m sitting outside in the community of Santa Anita and it’s about 6:15am. Volcano Santiaguito has just erupted and I can see the smoke in the distance. The smoke reminds me of your cigarettes. As the clouds drift across the sky, they cover the glorious mountains. I am reminded that although I can’t see you, that doesn’t mean you aren’t there. Where have you been the past year? There are birds chirping, dogs barking, crickets singing, roosters cocking, bugs buzzing, and a gentlemen sweeping the patio; preparing to lay down coffee beans in the sun. With a few deep breaths and a clear mind I hear “Yes, I saw you watching me and I’ve been waiting in the mountains. “
7 comments:
i love you tiana.
That was beautiful Tiana, very touching and hopeful,I lost my sister 6yrs ago this past week.Her death changed so many aspects of my life, our relationship was very simular to yours and Jamies(she was the sensible one) I, like you was the one who walked off the "normal"
path looking for adventure. Your story hit home, Thank you..PS stay away from the Singing Salsa crackhead!!!! Stay true xx Louisa
“Love is stronger than death even though it can’t stop death from happening, but no matter how hard death tries it can’t separate people from love. It cant’ take away our memories either.”
I'm glad your love for your mother; your love for life, have kept you beautiful, strong, reflective, and most importantly...at peace!
Miss you! Just know your often in my thoughts.XOXOXO Jamie
I always kept in touch with your Mom, no matter what kaos she was in.Mostly because of you,Justin and Jamie. She wasn't a very strong person. She struggled her whole life, as a child with school and grades which caused low self esteem. Then having a mother like ours only made things harder for her. Nial's death really hurt her, but when Hector died it pushed her over the edge. Shortly after his death she asked me to take her for a ride.I remember going into Southington,then we went to Hubbard Park.She wanted to go to the top of the mountain. She got out of the car and was screaming at God as to how he could do this to her twice.God gave her three healthy children and then left her on her own. She said she would never be with another man again. She was so hurt, we stayed on that mountain for about 4 hours. She screamed and yelled and cursed. I thought it helped. So it is no wonder you can feel her presence on a mountain top.
I talked to her alot those last months. She talked of how much she failed her children and what a failure she was.She was trapped in a world she didn't know how to get out and controlled by her fears. She had so many fears: dentists,doctors and just life in general. She talked about Evelyn and her health problems, of how worried she was about her. When here she is close to death herself.
My mother was very hard to live with when we were children. There was no peace in our house ever. My parents should have never stayed together It made most of us stronger but it made Sharon weaker.I remember saying when I was old enough to leave home I would never talk to my mother ever again and I meant it. Sharon obivously felt the same way as she never did talk to her again. For me I had to let my hate for my mother go before I could love anyone else. I still have my moments when she can push me over the edge.
I know that she loved you and your siblings as much as she could.
Just try to find the few good things or memories that you have of her and let all the bad ones go.
I love you and there is always a place for you in my home. Sheila
Hi Tani, I can see how much you have grown and healed over the past year. Your writing is so gifted, and your emotion very clear. Always remember my words to you, that "your Mom must have done something right" Indeed, you may be your grandmother, and her sudden death after your Mom has brought her inner spirit into you. You are an incredible person, so honest, open, caring, loving... truly beautiful inside and out, and most of all, so strong and powerful in such a gentle way. Be safe there.. I love you, Summa Mom
Hi Tiana, I can feel the love and how much you miss her because I've been through this 3 times and I know you ca get through it too. You can't hold onto the past but you can make a new future and sometimes we have to forget about things so we can feel better. But don't forget that your mom will always be above you and in your heart. I lost 3 grandparents and I still cry myself to sleep. But I learned that I have to let it go and know that they will be in my heart and in a better place.
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